‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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absolutely not
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.