I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them