monday
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I love the National Park Service.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*