PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.