OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
X-tra spooky blend
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
he chose this
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”