Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’m aging like a fine banana
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
the composer
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.