[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up