i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I have questions??
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok