I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My god she’s good.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.