The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???