I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.