Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.