I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I gave up going to work for lent.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it