My birth announcement for our third baby
You Might Also Like
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
For those that worship cheese..
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.