My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Hmmmmm
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?