Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
That’s amazing.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My dryer is celebrating lint.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.