My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.