If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close