You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me, flirting😏
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Twitter is an abusement park.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?