Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Ugh but profoundly
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN