*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
mmm onion ringos
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If a snake ate a cake
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet