People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You Might Also Like
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Wait a minute…
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out