Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
smh
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”