I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
You Might Also Like
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Animal poetry
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.