son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I cannot call her anything else now
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”