[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.