ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
pls suprot
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
when there are deer in the woods
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense