Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.