Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I feel attacked.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*