Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Meow
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
😆this is so true