I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I WON A HAM TODAY
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now