Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Raisins are grape jerky.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-