Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.