Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
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Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Cha-ching is my safe word
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.