2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Match dot com, but for socks.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.