“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.