Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Shower sex be like:
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.