Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Damn he played himself
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.