I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
opening twitter today
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
🛁
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.