me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If Mother Earth were real she鈥檇 leave us all outside the fire station.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I鈥檝e never related to anyone more than that baby
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn鈥檛 seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn鈥檛 happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Gym memberships are for people who don鈥檛 have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night