I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.