Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
What do you hear?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.