Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
We’ve come full circle
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”