no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!