Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
This classic never gets old . . .
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Good boy 😂😂
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.