*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
We’ve come full circle
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.