Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I just tested negative for patience.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Mornin
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops