This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.