only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines