I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.